


hiding spot

by lizardlesbian



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Discussion of homophobia and transphobia, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 21:21:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11321997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardlesbian/pseuds/lizardlesbian
Summary: Killua reflects on whether or not to come out to his family.





	hiding spot

“Do you think I should tell my parents?”

Gon shifted from his position to look directly at Killua and raised a questioning eyebrow at him. He was surprised to find the other boy looking unusually tense, knees to his chest and gaze lost in the air in front of him. He was pretty sure that the way his nails were digging in his skin was starting to get painful.

This was their favourite hanging spot in the park right behind their school: secluded enough for Killua not to fear anyone finding him there, and it was right behind a few trees that Gon could climb on if he got too restless – which was pretty much always. They discovered it when they were in 5th grade, playing hide-and-seek with Alluka, and reclaimed it as theirs by carving their names on the bark of the nearest tree (Killua’s idea, Gon still thought it was rude to hurt the tree that way). Very few people were allowed to know about it aside from Alluka herself – they told Leorio and Kurapika only so they knew where they could find Gon and Killua when they disappeared from the face of earth, and Canary because Canary was nice and they trusted her wholeheartedly not to tell anyone else. Zushi too, but he stopped coming there some months prior, claiming that he didn’t want to feel like the third wheel any more than he already did during school hours.

This was also the place where they finally confessed to each other, and in which they had their first kiss, all awkward and sweet.

So there they were in their little safe haven, sprawled on the grass and enjoying the feeling of the soothing breeze, yet Killua, who sitting right next to Gon, looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. Knowing him, he probably was.

“Tell them what? Is everything okay?” he asked him, worried. Killua was avoiding Gon's eyes, never a good sign.

“Tell them about…” he stopped and Gon was afraid he would drop it there, but after a few seconds of silence Killua took a deep breath and continued. “Well, tell them about— about us and the fact that I like guys and all of that.”

Gon's brow furrowed, but before he could reply Killua started talking again.

"I mean, we've been datin– together for like eight months, it’s probably time to tell them, isn’t it?" he stuttered out, with some difficulty. Gon's chest hurt a little at his correction, because it was true, they weren't really dating, not the way most couples would. No walking hand in hand, no public displays of affection, sometimes they even avoided hugging if there were people around, to avoid raising any suspicions. Gon wasn’t necessarily happy about it, but Killua’s personal comfort and safety always came first. The last thing they wanted was another Alluka situation.

Nothing Killua was saying made any sense.

“No, you shouldn’t!!” he exclaimed, probably a little too loudly considering the way Killua flinched. He raised from his position on the ground and sat down right in front of Killua, who still wasn't meeting his eyes – it was okay though, he knew his best friend struggled with keeping eye contact sometimes.

Tiny red dots were starting to appear where Killua’s nails were piercing the skin of his legs, and to avoid any further accidental damage Gon gently took both of his hands in his own. He squeezed them, gave Killua something to hang on in the middle of the storm going on inside his head.

“I don’t think you should tell your parents right now,” he began again, this time making sure to keep his voice down. “You know what happened to Alluka, what if they did the same to you? What if they did something worse?”

The sole thought made him shudder. He has heard of the thing some parents do to their gay or trans kids. The Zoldycks were rich and ruthless enough to force Killua to one of those “therapists” without blinking an eye. Killua knew this better than him, because he had been the one who first mentioned that was a possibility, when he came out to him two years before. He also thought about Alluka – sweet little Alluka, imprisoned in that damned manor, not allowed to go to school with her friends anymore until she “started behaving like a normal boy again”.

“But what if they don't?” Killua whispered, more to himself than to Gon, and it was obvious that he didn't believe his own words. He let out a trembling sigh, a haunted look in his eyes.

Gon wanted nothing more than to keep that expression away from his face. “Please tell me what's wrong?” he asked him, soft and gentle.

“It’s just that— you're gonna think I’m stupid.” Killua's voice was bitter and raw, Gon wondered if he was on the verge of tears. “I was thinking that I hate all this hiding. I hate that Pokkle can make out with his girlfriend in the middle of the hallway while we can't even fucking be too close to each other. And I hate that it's because of  _me_  that we have to hide. And it got me thinking: what if Gon gets sick of all this secrecy? What if he finds someone better?”

He finally raised his eyes to meet his. Indeed, some tears had started falling, but probably Killua himself was unaware of it.

“You think I would just leave you like that?” Gon couldn’t quite stop the disbelief (and maybe a little bit of hurt) in his voice, but Killua shook his head fervently

“No! I’m not saying I doubt you, I—” he laughed, an ugly, forced sound that resembled more a sob. “Look, you deserve to have someone that will date you without any shame, instead of a coward who always has to  _hide_  !”

Gon’s eyes widened in shock. The time around them seemed to come to an halt.

“Killua, having to hide doesn't make you a coward! It's not your fault your family is literally scum!” he knew he was most likely screaming, but he couldn't care less. He took his best friend (and boyfriend)’s face in his hands, getting close enough to him that their foreheads were touching. “You’re the strongest and bravest person I know, Killua! You and Alluka both!! I don't care about dating or any of that stuff, I just want to be sure you're gonna be safe and sound and that you won't risk your life just because you're  _you_  !”

He couldn't conceive that Killua would think himself a coward. Killua, who was only sixteen and yet he had seen and experienced things that would scare adults three times his age. Who came back every day to a family that loved only their own vision of him: perfect and malleable, a puppet in their hands. Who hid the bruises all over his body and the scars crisscrossing his wrists under his clothes, and never once lamented any pain.

Killua, his best friend since childhood, whom he loved and who loved him.

The day Alluka was locked inside her room, Killua showed up outside of Gon's window, and then he cried and cried for hours on his shoulders, until he was so numb from grief and exhaustion he passed out on his bed. He remembered promising to himself that day, tracing the lines of his best friend’s sleeping face with his fingertips, that he would make sure to keep him safe, no matter the cost.

No matter how much he wanted to show off his boyfriend to the whole world and scream at the top of his lungs about how lucky he got, about how wonderful he was.

Apparently, he had said exactly what the other needed to hear. Killua whiped his face with his sleeves and chuckled a little. "You're a sap, but you're right. I don't owe it to 'em, they can fuck off."

Gon nodded with a big smile on his face, which only got wider when Killua went on and hugged him. He's not sure how much time they spent like this, in their spot of the park, Killua hugging Gon tight and Gon tracing shapes on Killua's back, his touch light so that he wouldn't accidentally prod any bruise.

"If you want to tell somebody, we can tell Aunt Mito?" he suggested, resting his forehead on Killua's shoulder. "Fair warning, though: she will cry and hug us a lot. And Kite will probably pass by and do the same thing, before giving you the shovel talk. Or worse."

Killua snorted. He finally sounded like his usual self again, and that alone filled Gon with so much happiness that he was afraid his heart would burst. "That sounds fucking great to me, honestly." A moment passed between them. "Thank you. You're a great boyfriend." he added then.

One day. One day things would be better, Alluka would be safe with them and nobody would be able to stop them from shoving their love in everyone's face like any other teenager.

For the moment being they walked back to Gon's house, their pinkies linked together. Gon sent a picture of Killua getting crushed in Mito's arm to Alluka, they got a quite embarassing speech from both Mito and Kite about "keeping the door of Gon's room open" and stuff like that, and later on they passed out on top of each other while playing videogames.

It was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Today I read a fanfiction in which Gon forced Killua to come out to his family despite being in an unsafe situation, and being a gay+nonbinary person myself that made me livid. So I wrote this to express my thoughts.  
> The topic of coming out often gets handled poorly in fandom spaces, so I'm going to be the one to tell you _never_ to come out just because someone (be it your partner or a friend) told you to. Be sure that you're not going to put yourself in danger. Living in secret sucks a lot, I know this - I remember how being closeted felt like, sadly - but your personal safety comes first and foremost. Oh, and happy Pride Month!!


End file.
